First Time Mom
When Lizzy was a few days old, I remember trying to calm her at 3 am. I did what the baby book said to do when baby cries but no amount of nursing, rocking, diaper changing, clothes changing, singing, shushing, swaddling, and position switching can pacify my wailing child who sounded like a hurt banshee. Imagine the thought: banshee and hurt. Helplessness crept into me as I sat on the floor in utter defeat, in the hallway, crying as my baby cried. I had absolutely no clue what to do so I prayed. I prayed that Lizzy will forgive me for being such an incompetent mom. And that I will be able to forgive myself for sucking at parenthood.
Before Liz was born, I was very idealistic. I had in my mind a grand picture of what parenthood would be like for me. I had high hopes and expectations for myself but they all came crushing down that vivid night when I cannot console my own child. My heart was crushed and broken. I had no business in being a mom.
My thoughts turned to my mom. I wondered how I was when I was a child. How did my mother endure the sleepless nights and the worry-filled days? How many booboos has she kissed? More importantly, how many buckets of tears has she cried because of me, because of us? I love my mom. But I have never loved her more than when I became a mom myself.
And what of my mothering skills? God is gracious. I see in Lizzy’s toothless smiles His redeeming grace. When Lizzy wraps her arms around me, I feel a love so pure I’m reminded of the cross. When Lizzy crawls away from me to get a toy and stops halfway to look back at me and smiles, my heart melts. I still feel incompetent sometimes but when I watch her sleep peacefully, my self doubt vanishes and is replaced with sheer joy. The one that tells me, it’s ok and you are doing just fine. So even if half the time I don’t know what I’m doing, I still get up each morning eager to play the mom role because I get cuddles and laughter and kisses and hugs. And a sense of fulfillment that cannot be bought. I may not always be good at this but one of these days, I will get it right. And until then, I will continue to live and love my organized chaos that is motherhood.
Happy Mothers’ Day to all the amazing moms I know especially to my amazing mom. :)